


Just Words

by mansikka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel is Not Oblivious, Dean Can't Help It, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Fluff and Angst, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining Dean, Scared Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 01:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5892232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is adamant he can't be with Cas. Cas attempts to convince him that he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Words

“You don’t get it, Cas.” Dean’s voice is low, and tired, and he stands as though he has never lived without permanent ache.

Cas watches him wordlessly, arms folded roughly across his chest, letting Dean speak.

“You just don’t. You don’t understand that I don’t get good things. I don’t get the happy ending, I can’t just have what I want. I just can’t.” Dean sighs then, looking over at Cas with pleading in his eyes. Cas can’t tell if he’s pleading for understanding or to be proved wrong.

“It isn't because I don’t want this,” and he doesn't need to say the words.  _ This  _ is  _ them  _ . It’s that thing that has brewed and bubbled between them for what is possibly forever.

“It isn't because I have a problem with this,” he adds, and now he’s being as clear as he can be.

“It’s because I  _ want  _ this. More than I've wanted anything my whole life. And I can’t have it, I just can’t.”

Silence fills the space between them for an age, and then Cas quietly replies, “May I ask why?”

Dean’s resolve is slipping. The tone of Cas’ voice that is hurt and looking for understanding crumbles it, because that’s what Cas does to Dean. He makes him weak. “Because I just can’t, okay? I’ll ruin it. I’ll mess things up, and I’ll hurt you, and I’ll lose the best friend I've ever had.”

“And  _ you  _ could get hurt.” Cas adds, noting the omission but feeling the swell of pride at the words  _ best friend. _

Dean huffs as though that’s not a distinct possibility. That the thought of losing Cas, especially if he allows them to just...be... doesn't kill him already.

“ _ You  _ could get hurt.” Cas repeats firmly, holding Dean’s gaze.

“Yeah, well.” He shuffles, breaking eye contact. “Happens…”

Cas turns slightly, still keeping his distance from Dean. “I would never make promises not to hurt you, Dean. That would be unfair and a lie. I could only promise to never intend to hurt you.” Cas’ words are gentle, and Dean can’t help but let the tenderness of his words seep through for a moment.

“Don’t know why you’d be interested anyway,” is Dean’s response, scuffing the toe of his boot along the floor with his usual kneejerk change-the-subject reaction.

“I could list all of the things I love about you, Dean. Yes,  _ love  _ ,” Cas repeats the end of his statement when Dean snorts in dismissal. “Because I  _ do  _ love you. I  _ have  _ loved you. For a very long time now. But I doubt very much that you’d like to hear what I have to say about that.”

“How could you?” Dean mumbles, eyes still on the floor.

Cas takes comfort from the fact that Dean hasn't run from his words. There was a time when he feared complete rejection purely because they were both male. He feared that Dean’s outlook on life was already carved in stone by the views of his father, and although it was unfair, Cas felt nothing but dislike for John Winchester and the way he had shaped his sons. In situations such as now, that dislike flared ugly.

“I already said. I could list all the things I love about you. The reasons why. But you wouldn't want to hear them. It would be pointless to force you to hear things that you are adamant you don’t want to hear. And will reject,” he adds, unable to keep a tinge of sadness and bitterness from his tone.

Dean’s eyes fly up, pain reflected there because of the pain he knows he’s causing Cas now. “I'm no  _ good  _ , Cas. No good at all. If you’re angel, I'm so unworthy of you. If you’re human, you've got a whole life ahead of you that you can choose to spend with someone, anyone you want, who can  _ give  _ you what you want.”

“ _ You  _ are what I want.”

“How?” there’s bewilderment there now, and Dean’s hands tightly grip on to the edge of the counter where he’s leaning. “What could I possibly give you? You could have… anything. Everything. But I can’t give you anything, Cas. I'm  _ nothing  _ .” his voice trails away and his head hangs with a single shake.

“You could give me you. That is all I want.”

“You don’t mean that.” Dean shakes his head again, refusing to hear the words.

“Dean. I never knew want before I knew you. I never knew longing, or friendship, or care. You are going to have to trust me when I say it is you that I want, because you were the first thing that I ever wanted in my long existence. The only thing I've ever wanted that I  _ still  _ want.”

“Aside from hamburgers and honey and cof-”

“Dean.” Cas cuts him off, frustration creeping in at Dean’s constant need to make a joke. He knows it’s a diversionary tactic and exactly why he does it, but now is not the time.

“I can’t, Cas.” his words are quiet, and full of emotion.

“What you mean is, you won’t try.”

“Not if it means losing you altogether. No.” Dean tries for firmness in his voice but it’s marred by the way he just wants to give in, to have Cas and to let Cas have him. Because as much as he fights it, it is the only thing that makes sense to him.

“But if you keep pushing me away. If you continue this… charade, with me, Dean. Do you honestly believe I can stand it? Do you honestly think I can stay?”

Dean’s eyes widen, and there’s real fear there. “Are you saying… that if I don’t… if we don’t… you won’t stick around?”

Cas pinches the bridge of his nose, cursing his choice of words. “I am not trying to force you into anything you don’t want. I'm not trying to give you an ultimatum, Dean. I'm just saying, I can’t keep-”

“I didn't say I don’t want-”

“I'm saying, it will hurt too much to be near you and watch you. With others. With another...” Cas’ words dwindle away and he drops his hand heavily to his side. “When I want you to be with me. It will be too painful to pretend that all I feel for you is friendship, and to have to keep wondering if I'm too close, or if I should comfort you, or reach out to you. I am not so strong as to continue to act as though we are nothing but brothers in arms, Dean. We  _ are  _ that. But we are also more. So much more.”

Dean chews on his lip for a moment and then, “You do know that I love you back, right?”

For a second, Cas’ heart soars at the words he never thought he’d hear out loud. Sure, he’s heard them in Dean’s prayers often enough, but to actually hear them spoken was better than any sound he could ever imagine. All he can do is nod his response.

“So you do know that me saying this can’t happen is because I love you. Right?”

Dean’s logic is annoying, because Cas can completely understand where he’s coming from. He knows how broken Dean’s opinion of himself is, of how he fears he’ll turn everything good to dust. He knows how frightened he is of that. And he also knows that Dean is rejecting him from a place of love.

It doesn't mean it isn't rejection though. He can’t see past that, not when he sees, he knows, how good things could be between them. It would just be like coming home, to a home he’s never had but now doesn't want to be without.

Dean is watching this internal debate play across his face, and Cas can feel Dean’s heart pounding from across the room. He knows how torn Dean is. He just needs to find the right words.

“You say that. But you are still sending me away.”

“I'm  _ not  _ , Cas. God, I'm not. I'm trying to explain...I need you. You don’t know how I need you.”

“If you need me-”

“But I  _ can’t  _ need you. Don’t you see? I can’t rely on anyone. I can’t have anyone rely on me. I’ll just… I’ll fail you, Cas.”

“You are a most confusing man.” Cas sighs, rocking on his heels. “What you’re saying is that these...intimacies..that we  _ both  _ want, we cannot have, and that you need me, but can’t have me, so I'm supposed to just be here but not be here  _ with  _ you?”

Dean rubs a hand over his face and a dry laugh escapes. “When you say it like that…”

“It sounds as stupid as it is.” Cas’ tone is curt. He doesn't mean it to be but he’s hurting here too.

“I'm sorry,” Dean says, and his voice breaks, his body arches towards Cas even from this distance, confused by the pull to comfort him and the idea that he must, for Cas’ sake, stay clear.

Cas knows that Dean rates his own intelligence very low, and that he hates that Dean does that. But right now, Cas can’t help think how ridiculous Dean is being. How can Dean be saying all of these empty words, the things he feels he must say, when Cas can hear loudly and clearly what he is truly saying? He can hear the longing, the wanting, the love that’s there. It just doesn't mean as much, or anything, if Dean can’t manage to say these things out loud. It would be like using his not-so-secret thoughts against him, and there is no way Cas would ever want to violate him like that.

Cas decides to take matters into his own hands, or at least, to give them a nudge.

He stretches back languidly, knowing full well the way Dean’s eyes are on him as he arches his neck.

Cas promised Dean a long time ago that he’d never listen in to his thoughts uninvited, and he’d kept that promise, he really had. But when every thought of Cas came out like a prayer, that was something Cas couldn't switch off. He heard everything; every pining, every pissed off grumble, every lusting and every loving thought.

He lowers his head, eyes pinning Dean’s in place, hearing a solitary loud thud of his heart. He stands to full height, and very slowly walks across the room, never breaking eye contact.

“Tell me you don’t want me, Dean. Tell me. And I’ll go.” His pace is deliberate, giving Dean time to consider his words.

“I don’t want you to go, Cas.”

“No,” Cas agrees, “You want me to stay, but not stay with you. I've heard that a thousand times over. You keep...toying with me, Dean. I do not enjoy that feeling.”

Dean’s hands fall, and curl into his sides. “I don’t want to hurt you, Cas. I never mean to do that.”

“So tell me you don’t want me.”

Dean’s voice is barely audible when he says, “But you know I want you. You know.”

“I do,” Cas agrees, a slight nod as he stops directly in front of Dean, eyes flicking down to his chest where he can hear Dean’s heart pounding out a staccato. “But you can’t keep doing this to me.” Cas tries to keep the hurt from his voice because he knows that it just makes things painful for Dean, but he can’t help that. He can’t help it if Dean has made him so human.

“So. Here is what I am going to do, Dean. I am going to kiss you. I am going to lean in and kiss you, any moment now, and if you honestly don’t want me to. If you honestly, truly believe that this,” and he waves a finger between them, “Is a bad idea, well then. I guess you’re just going to have to stop me.”

Dean’s eyes widen and his tongue dips out to wet his lips; the action is involuntary, as is the tightening of his jeans in response to Cas’ words.

Again, Cas knows exactly what he is doing. He leans a little closer, and closer, hearing Dean’s internal monologue that goes something like  _ please, kiss me now, no stop, stop, I can’t stop you if you do  _ . He pauses, inches from Dean’s face, watching Dean’s eyes fall to his lips, his own slightly parted. And then, he does it. Presses his soft, dry lips against Dean’s in one slow, chaste kiss.

He may as well have set off dynamite, because that one touch is not enough.

Cas’ hands cradle Dean’s face as he reaches in to kiss him again, never for more than a few seconds, always giving Dean the chance to pull away. Cas can feel Dean’s hands twitching uncontrollably at his sides, and suddenly they’re not. They’re finger deep in Cas’ hair, holding him exactly where he wants him as Dean kisses back, hot and hard. Cas’ own hands wind around Dean’s neck and he presses himself flush against Dean, earning him a low growl and Dean rolling his hips back against him.

Dean’s kisses are not gentle; they are ferocious, exactly the kind Cas expected of him after holding back for so long. He had heard countless times how much Dean wanted to do that to him, and more, to claim him for his, to never let him out of his grip again. Now he was getting to experience it for himself, Cas realises his fantasies had always been barely adequate. This Dean, the real one, is a furnace, ready to consume him.

Cas doesn't mind that imagery one bit.

He kisses back with as much of his own force as he can muster without doing either of them damage; tongue darting fiercely into Dean’s mouth forcing a moan out that flares fire through Cas’ core. Dean sucks on his tongue, chases it, moves his hands shakily down Cas’ back to press into Cas’ ass so that he can grind against him.

Cas listens to a steady stream of Dean’s inner chanting, fighting with himself not to drag Cas to a bed, a floor, anywhere. Cas could easily give in to that, but also knows if they do that, if they do that now, it’s too much too soon. It’s not, in a thousand ways. But also it is, if he’s going to convince Dean that this is something other than a one time thing. He really needs Dean to understand that this thing is something that has duration.

Gradually, the kisses lose their intensity, and they lean into each other more in comfort than anything else. Their breathing is heavy, and lips find skin along jaws and necks before Cas’ head finally falls onto Dean’s shoulder and Dean’s arms circle him protectively. Dean kisses him once, long and hard on the side of his head then sighs into his ear, sounding defeated.

Finally, Dean whispers, “I could never have said no to you, Cas. I don’t have the willpower.”

Cas nods against him. “Of course I know that. You've been calling to me in prayer for...so long.”

Dean’s hand strokes gently down Cas’ back, feeling his face flush as he buries it further into Cas’ neck. He’s been kidding himself for all this time that Cas had no idea, when obviously, how could he not? “Then why now?”

“Because, Dean,” Cas noses against him. “I wanted  _ you  _ to be the one initiating things. I never wanted you to feel I had forced you. That I was using your own thoughts and feelings against you.”

“Hey,” Dean raises his head to look Cas in the eye. “I've never felt  _ forced  _ , okay? This isn't about being forced. It’s about me being terrified of screwing things up. It’s about me still thinking you’re making a mistake.”

Cas narrows his eyes. “Do I have to kiss you again to prove to you how wrong I think you are about that?”

“Well,” Dean replied, eyes again falling to Cas’ lips like he’s found a new addiction. “I’d kind of prefer it if you just kissed me for the sake of it.”

Cas does just that, slow and leisurely, melting into him.

They break away, a long time later, looking at each other with a mix of awe and uncertainty.

“I'm still not sure about this, Cas. I mean,” he grips Cas a little tighter in case there’s any misunderstanding. “I want this. I never didn't want this. I just… I don’t know how any of this is going to work.”

Cas shrugs then, echoing words that he’d said long ago. Words that made Dean realise back then just how important Cas had become to him. How much more he wanted from him than Dean thought he was allowed. “Well. We’ll just make it up as we go along.”

  
  
  



End file.
